I get into my car.. still unbelieving. I turn the key. I notice that the mileage reads “14,666” miles. The radio starts kicks in. I have a CD playing; my favorite CD. The first words I hear from the singers angelic mouth: “Fate… is so unkind”. I near weeping as I finally have a moment to reflect on the night’s terrible events.

Fate… is so unkind indeed. Vanhood as vans know it changed forever last evening. Vanlandw, Vanbergs, and myself, congregated for what can only be described as pure, un-adulterated, sheer vanhood. What might this be? Well, the answer is “Knockout Matches”. Wrestlemania 2000 for the nintendo 64. Hours of painstaking work creating personalized characters. Personalized moves. A vallant 3-way battle where the victor cannot be decided by “pin” or by “disqualification”… Not even by submission of the opponent. The winner is declared only when an opponent is knocked unconcious. It is an epic battle, with alliances and betrayal and whole drama. A poem of heroism. A story of defiance. A war with three parties and no sides.

When these wars take place… battle after battle after battle ensues… to the tune of at least 10 rematches. This night, there was no count. The knights of vanhood rematched and rematched for 5 hours… Finally, in the early morning hours… We decided on one final match. The match was epic. Temporary alliances… swinging of chairs and lumber… running power punches… Tiger suplexes… “near” knockouts where a foe managed to pick up the fallen…

Finally… vanlandw had been hurt, i stand him up to execute a powerful full nelson suplex, a knockout move… Just as he begins standing, i notice vanbergs is already running right for vanlandw and i know i have made a grave error. Vanbergs unleashes unfathomable fury straight into the back of vanlandws head via the undescribable “running power punch”. Vanlandw crumbles.

Vanbergs instantly grapples my character.. strategically preventing me from helping vanlandw get up. After a brief time of struggling to get to his feet, vanlandw’s character subsides… Gives up on the match, the war, vanhood, and his life. The bell rings.

After some shouting, name calling, alliance forming, alliance betraying, we decide… “1 more match.” But wait… we notice our characters dont look right… our characters look plain… whats happening… Reset it! 3 way match… no belts… oh no… characters… empty… gone… vanhood redefined.

Years of vanhood washed away… 1 cartridge battery dies… destroying years of customized player honed ultimate glory.

Knockout matches are no more… no more forever.

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