Constitution of Vanhood.

The following scripture outlines codes, conduct, rules, regulations, responsibilities, clarification, and definition of Vanhood.

Being a Van
Minimum Requirement: In order to even possibly be considered a “Van”, a person’s last name begin with “V – A – N”. This is typically followed by a capital consonant; such as VanBergen, VanSoest, or VanLandschoot. This is only the first and minimum step to being ordained in vanhood.

The Basic Code of Vanhood
As a Van, one is expected to abide by the following codes:

A: Vans play video games – As a Van, one must play, enjoy, and support general video game entertainment. This may be embraced via PC, console, or handheld device.

B: Vans listen to “Disturbed” – As a Van, one MUST listen to, enjoy, and audibly consume the lyrical and musical content of the band “Disturbed”.

C: Vans enjoy fine food – As a Van, one will consume fine meals. This
typically involves eating ‘all of your food’, as well as ‘not wiping with a
napkin until you are finished with your meal’. Fine meals include
establishments such as “Jimmy John’s”, “Old Country Buffet”, and “Famous
C.1 subcode – Fine meals must be finished.

D: Vans shoot weaponry – As a Van, one is expected to have shot firearm style weapon. This can be rifle, shotgun, or handgun variety. Fully automatic, sem-automatic, and even single fire weapons are successful requirements to Code “D”.

E: Vans utilize Emoticons – As a Van, one will use emoticon chat icons by ctrl + X shortcuts. These can be applied via instant messenger chats, and instant-messenger based chat rooms. Some of the more popular emoticons include the “Yelling face”, “Kissy Face”, and the elusive “Cool Face”.

F: Vans buy and watch DVD’s – A Van will buy, view, and re-view DVD’s. This typically
involves cinema titles such as “The Boondock Saints”, “Heat”, and “The
Matrix”. When viewing DVD’s, Vans typically utilize “Surround Sound” 5.1 or
6.1 audio.

G: Vans watch 24 – As a Van, one watches 24. Nothing more necessary for Code

Codes A-G are only the first. There will certainly be countless amendments
and editions noted to the Basic Code of Vanhood. Amendments to the formal
Constitution of Vanhood must be submitted and agreed upon by the Knights of

Degrees of VanhoodThere are varying degrees of vanhood, each requiring different characteristic of member Vans.

“Van” – The title of “Van” is achieved when a person or persons meets the minimum requirement, and upholds it with the basic code of Vanhood. “Van” is the basic title associated with Vanhood

“Knight of Vanhood” – This title is bestowed to only the
greatest Vans. As a knight of Vanhood, one upholds all basic codes of
Vanhood, and is intrumental in defining new codes. A “Knight of Vanhood”
generally goes above and beyond the call of basic Vanhood. For example, if a
fellow Van gives a valiant effort to finish a meal and fails, a Knight of
Vanhood will pick up the Vanhood slack and finish the fellow Vans meal for
him. Examples of “Knights of Vanhood” include Vanbergs, Vanlandw, and

“Honorary Van” – An honorary Van includes a person who’s name
does not meet the minimum requirement of Vanhood, yet this person displays and
upholds whole Vanhood. An ‘Honorary Van’ is defined if the Knights of Vanhood agree on the status of the proposed Honorary Van. Examples of Honorary Vans include “David Draimen” of Disturbed, and Kiefer Sutherland / Jack Bauer.

3 thoughts on “Constitution of Vanhood.

  1. mickeyvb

    There should be a “King Van” to rule over all knights of van, one that might not follow ALL rules of Van… (specifically “B”…), but one whom is born of royal Van lineage, and that subsequently inherits the throne, and procreates another generation or two of Van’s for the Van roundtable (where all the sustenance is purveyed and plundered)…!!! I hereby claim right of Van-King…

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